James

Earlier I had written that this past week might entail many posts about James. However, I decided to keep most of my thoughts private until now. Today, two years ago, was his funeral. For some reason today has been harder then the others.

I miss James. I hate Menkes. That about sums most of it up. Menkes stole a beautiful baby from our family.

Despite my sadness and sometimes anger I have decided that joy is a decision and I wasn't going to let anything steal that from me. Last year for New Years I decided to just stay home and be sad. It was the first year anniversary and therefore I just didn't feel like doing anything. This year I decided that my children and family needed to have a good time and even though a tragedy happened on that day, I could still be happy. We went to some friends' house and had an amazing night.

This has been an interesting week for me. It's so strange that I can remember every detail of the day before, day of and week after James' death. Every detail. What people wore, conversations I had, emotions...everything. If it happened and I was part of it, I remember. So I have many moments where I will stop and think "2 years ago right now I was......" I've had a lot of those moments today: 2 years ago right now I was watching the casket be lowered...2 years ago right now I was hugging Bethany tightly after the funeral while we tried to assure each other that someday things would be "right again"...2 years ago right now I was having a strange conversation about baklava...2 years ago right now I was picking the kids up at the babysitters...2 years ago right now I had some friends surround me with a great evening of "normalcy" and 2 years ago tonight, I cried myself to sleep for the 9th night in a row.

Grief is a strange emotion. It doesn't give you any notice it's coming to visit, it doesn't care where you are or who you are with..it just comes. But, I've said it before and I will always think this. I am thankful for grief because it reminds me that I once held a precious angel in my arms.